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7 Movie Embarrassments
I’ve disappeared for awhile as grad school has slowly sucked my soul until the only thing I could do was watch crappy movies found on Netflix Instant or On Demand. Not to say that no quality movies ever make an appearance on these entertainment venues, but my mental state has been shaky at best lately, and my poor judgment has led to some pretty poor decisions. So, as a cathartic release of the stress from the last few weeks, I’d like to air out some of the embarrassment that has entered my eyes and ears in the last few weeks.
1. Mystery Team (2009)
2. Practical Magic (1998)I know, I know, Donald Glover is aDorAbLe. It’s the reason I chose this movie. And I realize it’s kind of mean to pick on something that was so intentionally low budget, but it kind of felt like I was watching someone’s inside joke for an hour and half. At least Aubrey Plaza is in this, too.
3. Children of a Lesser God (1986)Somehow, this late-90s lady movie has escaped my noticed for over a decade. I can’t say I hated it. I mean, Stockard Channing is one of the sage witch aunts, it is a 90s Sandra Bullock role, and both Mark Feuerstein and Aidan Quinn are surprisingly charming in it. But let’s not kid ourselves, this movie is ridiculous and about witches and love curses. At least my ultimate ER crush Goran Visnjic is in it.
4. Yentl (1983)This was an honored film in 1986 and I adore Marlee Matlin, but I don’t adore how they filmed her in this movie. For a film that is so invested in showing deaf people as actual people, they sure had a habit of cutting off the signs they were using to communicate, causing us to listen to William Hurt’s (admittedly mellifluous) voice instead of reading their messages directly from them. Tacky, tacky filmmaking.
5. The Fly (1986)A Jewish young women in eastern Europe circa 1900 wants to study Talmudic law, so she dresses in drag to join the rest of the men since women aren’t allowed to. She’s the Man/every cross-dressing movie you’ve ever seen-like romantic shenanigans ensue. Barbra Streisand sings the narration and you get to see Mandy Patinkin mostly naked. And the film totally falls apart by the end.
In further Jeff Goldblum news, The Fly is super weird, but with the mental scar that Splice has already put on my brain, I could handle most of the experiment-gone-wrong + sexy times combinations. But Jeff Goldblum’s face was falling apart. It was gross.
6. Starship Troopers (1997)
7. The Pick-up Artist (1987)While this was intentionally campy, I don’t think I’ll ever recover from seeing so many square jawlines on so many men and women in one film.
How could a movie starring Robert Downey, Jr. and Molly Ringwald go wrong? By making it about owing money to the mob. I hate movies about owing money to the mob. I hate television episodes about owing money to the mob. In fact, why are so many things about owing money to the mob? Back to task, the thing that makes this movie even worse was that RDJ wasn’t even charming, and he made Only You watchable. Sigh. I’ve got to get better at choosing movies.