7 Movie Embarrassments

By on April 6, 2011

thefly2

I’ve disappeared for awhile as grad school has slowly sucked my soul until the only thing I could do was watch crappy movies found on Netflix Instant or On Demand. Not to say that no quality movies ever make an appearance on these entertainment venues, but my mental state has been shaky at best lately, and my poor judgment has led to some pretty poor decisions. So, as a cathartic release of the stress from the last few weeks, I’d like to air out some of the embarrassment that has entered my eyes and ears in the last few weeks.

1. Mystery Team (2009)

The Mystery Team movie image

Donald Glover takes my breath away.

2. Practical Magic (1998)I know, I know, Donald Glover is aDorAbLe. It’s the reason I chose this movie. And I realize it’s kind of mean to pick on something that was so intentionally low budget, but it kind of felt like I was watching someone’s inside joke for an hour and half. At least Aubrey Plaza is in this, too.

practical-magic

I love a good dance party.

3. Children of a Lesser God (1986)Somehow, this late-90s lady movie has escaped my noticed for over a decade. I can’t say I hated it. I mean, Stockard Channing is one of the sage witch aunts, it is a 90s Sandra Bullock role, and both Mark Feuerstein and Aidan Quinn are surprisingly charming in it. But let’s not kid ourselves, this movie is ridiculous and about witches and love curses. At least my ultimate ER crush Goran Visnjic is in it.

children-of-a-lesser-god

What happens when you don’t film a signing person in a close up?

4. Yentl (1983)This was an honored film in 1986 and I adore Marlee Matlin, but I don’t adore how they filmed her in this movie. For a film that is so invested in showing deaf people as actual people, they sure had a habit of cutting off the signs they were using to communicate, causing us to listen to William Hurt’s (admittedly mellifluous) voice instead of reading their messages directly from them. Tacky, tacky filmmaking.

yentl

An excuse to picture Mandy Patinkin.

5. The Fly (1986)A Jewish young women in eastern Europe circa 1900 wants to study Talmudic law, so she dresses in drag to join the rest of the men since women aren’t allowed to. She’s the Man/every cross-dressing movie you’ve ever seen-like romantic shenanigans ensue. Barbra Streisand sings the narration and you get to see Mandy Patinkin mostly naked. And the film totally falls apart by the end.

thefly

Gratuitous Jeff Goldblum.

In further Jeff Goldblum news, The Fly is super weird, but with the mental scar that Splice has already put on my brain, I could handle most of the experiment-gone-wrong + sexy times combinations. But Jeff Goldblum’s face was falling apart. It was gross.

6. Starship Troopers (1997)

starshiptroopers

I can practically hear the Nickelback in the background.

7. The Pick-up Artist (1987)While this was intentionally campy, I don’t think I’ll ever recover from seeing so many square jawlines on so many men and women in one film.

thepick-upartist

Should’ve have seen this one coming.

How could a movie starring Robert Downey, Jr. and Molly Ringwald go wrong? By making it about owing money to the mob. I hate movies about owing money to the mob. I hate television episodes about owing money to the mob. In fact, why are so many things about owing money to the mob? Back to task, the thing that makes this movie even worse was that RDJ wasn’t even charming, and he made Only You watchable. Sigh. I’ve got to get better at choosing movies.

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Kelsy Sparkles

About Kelsy Sparkles

Don't forget the robot.
  • http://twitter.com/TheLogicalDan Dan

    Mystery Team is good. Starship Troopers is a classic. And The Fly was critically acclaimed. This article is pretty stupid.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mark-Harding/100000145858394 Mark Harding

      Amen, if there’s a point being made, I can’t see it.

      • Jimmy

        The point being made is that ANYONE can write a blog these days. You don’t need talent, experience, credentials, qualifications, or even good taste. Just a keyboard and a can of Diet Coke.

    • http://www.facebook.com/matt.zimmermann.90 Matt Zimmermann

      Agreed. The Fly? One of the greatest science fiction films of the past 20 years? Did a 14 year old write this piece? “Eww, its so icky!”

      • Anubisxian

        To say a 14 year old wrote this is an insult to 14 year olds.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kyle.smith.58511 Kyle Smith

    This article is an embarssment. Starship Troopers and The Fly remake were great movies.

    • http://twitter.com/Grindhousegod Sean Maclam

      seriously who writes this shit? some of these movies are classics.

  • Jimmy

    What do you expect from a person named Kelsey Sparkles? Intelligence? Good taste? Obviously she had lent out her Twilight DVDs and had nothing else to watch that night. Maybe she should have borrowed Snow White And the Huntsman out on DVD instead.

    • Geoffrey Foster

      And here’s the kicker: Kelsey Sparkles is the Senior Editor of this website…

  • http://twitter.com/SquidEatinDough SquidEatinDough

    Christ, this article is fucking stupid.

  • Guest

    Usually I give some blog articles listing various movies in a pro/con way the benefit of the doubt but this one, this reeked of someone trying to impress an old stodgy film school professor(I had my share, I know what they looked like) and picking the EXACT wrong movies to rip on.

  • Glaivester

    Is it just my browser, or are the descriptions for the wrong movies?

  • http://www.facebook.com/movieman.smith Movie-Man Smith

    The Fly and Children of a Lesser God in the same list as Starship Troopers. Now that’s sick.

  • joeybot

    I was embarrassed that I read this shitty article. Good one, Kelsy! I’m sure you wrote this for free.

  • http://www.facebook.com/dfullam David Fullam

    This may be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever read.

  • Neill Augustine

    Has no one else noticed that the film titles are pasted to the wrong synopsis of the films? ‘The Fly’ is about “A Jewish young women in eastern Europe circa 1900 (who) wants to study Talmudic law”, ‘Children of a Lesser God’ speaks glowingly of the film’s stars, Stockard, Sandra and Aidan, and ‘Practical Magic’ talks about the stars Donald Glover and Aubrey Plaza.

    Forget the poor choices for subject matter by the writer; Isn’t there an editor or a proof reader looking these over before they send them down to be transcribed in crayon?

  • Mattchanning

    The fact that the writer couldn’t match up his titles with his descriptions makes me wonder how the fuck he ever got into grad school in the first place…

  • Waiting4Codot™

    I can’t even read this. The formatting is too fucked up, and I refuse to put forth the effort to make up for your mistake. Try harder next time, yeah?

  • Electrichotdog

    Starship troopers is pure garbage and is the only one that deserves to be on this list. Mystery Team is hilarious. Who cares about production if the writing is good?

  • sunsmasher

    This article is stupid.
    Also, the photos and captions don’t line up with the descriptions!